We Know What You Mean - A Hippo Essay
By Sue Alexander
January 11, 2020
As we approach 5000 members, I have realized that it has been a while since I have needed to write a “hippo essay”. If you don’t know what those are, go to the announcements section and look at the discussion of our culture and all the links to the Hippo Essays. This is because for the very most part we have worked through the glitches and most people understand the culture here. For the very most part, everyone adheres to #keepitkind and that is core to our success. Lately though, we have been getting more and more people on the list who are considering euthanizing or even waiting for an appointment to euthanize a beloved hippo and some of these folks have not read the Hippo Essays and they either don’t know the rules or don’t understand the culture here. It is really hard! We have very simple rules and a very strong and supportive culture that only works when we all work together to follow the rules and maintain the culture. Part of following the rules includes that modmin team immediately addressing any broken rules. And that is where things get really tricky!
This week, the modmin team has had to remove two posts about living Lulus who were scheduled for euthanasia; one that day and one a few days hence. In both cases the original posters were VERY upset at having had the posts removed and in one case, the member left the group declaring how unfair we were, and how disappointed she was that we didn’t have her needs met when so many others were allowed to get the support they need. I need to explain a few things about why we have this rule, what this is like from the modmin team’s point of view, and how the Losing Lulu membership can really help.
The first thing I want everyone to understand is that we know EXACTLY what you are going through when you are waiting for your beloved hippo’s euthanasia appointment. It is a hellish time. Oh my gosh! I went through this for two weeks before Kayak died last month and it was so awful to know that I was going to say goodbye to her. She didn’t know and I am sure she couldn’t figure out why after months of no sweet things (we thought she had a disease the would prevent her from having anything as sweet as even a carrot!) suddenly out of the blue she could have pounds of candy (yes, I indulged her love of gummy spearmint leaves!). All of the modmin team has been touched one way or another and usually directly touched by this common experience. We all know about this time between the decision and the action and it is a terrible time for anyone.
The problem about talking about Living Lulus or animals that are going to be euthanized sometime soon is that our mission is to support those who are grieving an animal who has been lost due to a behaviour issue. We are a grief support group, and we support people who have euthanized animals, but also who have lost animals to attacks by other animals, or who have died due to something behaviour related, such as if an animal obsessively ate nonfood items and eventually died of poisoning related to this. The time before you lose an animal you love is simply gutting, but it is not what we are set up to support.
The modmin team has discussed this at length many times. We have been looking for resources to share with people in this situation and we have considered how we might meet the need for those of you who are going through this now, and each time we come to the same conclusion; we are not set up to help these people. About half of the modmin team make their living addressing behaviour problems in animals, and one of the things we know is each situation is unique and requires a lot of effort to address. You may have two clients who each have very similar animals with very similar problems and in one case the animal is euthanized and in the other training is recommended, and both choices are equally right. Helping families to make the decision is really not something that can be done by committee, and that is what happens when this situation is hashed out online; everyone throws in their opinion, their experience, their thoughts and that leaves the person in need uncertain instead of supported. Early on we tried, and quickly figured out that this was not actually helping anyone and it was creating a lot of stress and confusion for people who had recently been through the experience. We had list members saying things like “this sounds like my Lulu, and I wish I hadn’t euthanized”. They may mean “I wish I hadn’t needed to euthanize” but the person seeking support may hear “You should not euthanize”. We also ran into people saying things like “if you transport him, I will take him”. We also had people saying “have you worked with this trainer or that, and have you tried this or that treatment” leading to a lot of second guessing and fear of not having tried hard enough.
If you are approaching this decision, you need one or two people to help you make the choice and support you through the process. We suggest that your veterinarian and someone who is qualified to help you with the training and behaviour piece are the best people to approach for help and support.
When this rule is violated, the modmin team have to remove the post. This is our duty to the list. If we don’t do this, we will cause harm to those who have recently been through this; we are here to make sure that the list rules and culture are followed and to act when needed to keep the list culture safe. It is important for list members to understand that when we do this, each and every time we do this, we discuss the removal of the post on the modmin list, and what THAT means is that more resources are taken up. Some of the time the discussion is about how removing a post impacts us. It is really hard work to be a modmin. It is hard to be the person who removes the post. We have to do it, and we know that when we do, the original poster is likely on the other end, crying because they didn’t get the support they needed and wanted, and we end up crying too. This is probably the worst part of moderating Losing Lulu, is knowing that we made a suffering person suffer more.
Things can become even more difficult. When you break a rule and we have to remove your post, we put you on moderation, meaning that you cannot post until we have read your post. Sometimes the first thing that someone does after their post is removed is to post something unpleasant back to the list, complaining about the removal and that means that the modmin team has to remove that post too and go through the whole process again. Sometimes members of the modmin team receive unpleasant or unkind private messages about the removal. We become the targets of anger and disappointment and even though we know this comes from a point of grief for a beloved hippo, it is hard to hear that people think that we are unfair or unkind. No one, not one person on the modmin team wants to be anything other than helpful and supportive.
So here is what you can do as a member, and I need everyone’s help. When you see a post that violates a rule, please report that. It saves us a lot of time and no one other than the modmin team will know who reported the post. If you aren’t sure if a post should have been reported, you can reach out to a member of the modmin team (be aware though that if a moderator is not awake, it may take us a little while to get back to you!) and discuss. And if you are in the process of making the decision, and you need to talk to someone, reach out to the modmin team. We do our best to help. If we cannot help, we will say “I am sorry but I cannot help you.” We know how hard it is, and we want to help where we can, even if it is only to say “you need to talk to someone locally who can meet you and your hippo to discuss”.
And as a final note, we would like to remind everyone to #keepitkind. That is part of how we keep the group safe and sane with one of the most difficult situations that an animal guardian can find themselves in. You can add the hashtag to any post you like. You can tell people when you notice that they have kept it kind by adding the hashtag in the comments with a heart. And if you think someone needs a reminder, you can say “please, #keepitkind”.
Today's image is from the campsite I spent the most time on this summer. The fireplace was well constructed and extensive, and reflected a lot of heat back at you. That is kind of like this list; you all reflect such gentle and kind heat back at the community. The fire is often the heart of a camp. Your fire to #keepitkind is the heart of our community.