The Rules - A Hippo Essay

May 14, 2020

From time to time, I sit down and put out some thoughts related to current events on Losing Lulu; if you have been here for awhile, you will have read these “hippo” essays. I haven’t needed to write one for awhile, but today I feel the need. In case you are wondering why these are called hippo essays, there is a whole story about that and you can find it at ( https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10161624162125788...) . It has nothing to do with the nickname of hippo that is sometimes applied to pit bulls. It actually refers to the Hippopotamus as being emblematic of the companion animal who just would not make a particularly good pet.

When I started Lulu in January of 2019, I did so in response to a tragedy. My good friend, Trish McMillan, my co-administrator here, had fostered a dog, Lulu, who inflicted damaging injuries on one of her other dogs. This dog was a special dog, however, she was troubled, and the highly ethical rescue that owned Lulu, along with Trish, decided that the most humane and ethical thing to do would be to euthanize Lulu. Up until this point there were multiple tragedies. The tragedy of an older, badly injured dog, the loss of Lulu’s life, and the grief that Trish felt were all tragic. Then another tragedy came along. That tragedy was the tragedy of public blaming, shaming and attacking that Trish experienced when people found out that she, a well-known trainer, had chosen euthanasia rather than choosing to continue to put her other dog’s lives at risk. Almost every one of our members here understand this tragedy first hand.

This tragedy has hit many trainers, including Deb Jones; one of our admin team. She has had threats made to her, professional attacks, and people actively campaigning against her in her webinars, disrupting the educational experience of her students. I have known Deb and Trish for many years, and have worked hard to help to tone these attacks down; to help people to better understand behavioural euthanasia. I have also lost three Lulus of my own’; my family dog during my teens, my first canine training partner in my twenties and last fall, my first horse. Each loss comes with grief of course, but also with the lack of understanding and pressure from people who just don’t understand. When someone on Trish’s wall said “we need a support group to help people who have lost animal companions to behavioural euthanasia”, I did what any good friend would do to help. I started Losing Lulu.

Initially, we had NO rules. Within days we had 1000 members, no rules and a lot of grief. Fortunately, we also had a lot of people willing to help, and over the first 8 months or so, we met regularly to hammer out expectations, guidelines and rules to help keep this the safest little corner of the net, where people who are hurting can come and grieve and support one another. Perhaps the most important value we have is #keepitkind and we use that to guide all the decisions we make. Over time, we were able to develop rules and guidelines that for the most part keep everyone safe.

In any group, there is an evolution that progresses. We are now almost 6000 members. Not everyone understands where we came from nor how we evolved. Not everyone understands the culture. And not everyone agrees with the rules we have. Some people disagree with our rules, and some people are feeling constrained. This can make people feel uncomfortable, and that is hard in a place intended to be caring and to provide support.

I want to use this hippo essay to explain a few things about our rules, and why we have them, and how they have evolved. Our goal in the rules is to make this a safe place to be, for all participants. We are not a counselling agency, or a therapeutic venue. We are a grass roots support group to help one another work through the grief process of losing an animal companion to a behaviour problem. Any species is welcome here. If you have lost an aardvark because he is obsessively sticking his tongue down the bathtub drain, or a zebra who spends all day kicking the wall of your house, then you are welcome here. I have lost a horse, and there have been cat, bunny, snake, and of course dog losses.

In February of 2020, we moved to a system of post approval. We had been having difficulty with a number of people posting graphic images and 3D pictures. 3D pictures cause some people extreme harm; I am one of those. The first time it happened, I saw an image and landed up in bed with neurological symptoms for three days. By going to post approval, I was protected, and so were many others. Our goal is not to censor anyone, however, when one member’s behaviour puts another person at risk for harm, we will enforce the rules through sending the post back to the author with a request for a revision. Not only do we send posts back for revision for graphic images (which can trigger flashbacks for many of our members) but when a post breaks any of our rules, we will send it back with a request for a rewrite. We do this not to censor people, but to ensure that people do not inadvertently cause harm to one another.

Posts are easy for the modmin team to deal with because we can isolate them until we review and approve them. Comments are a little more difficult. Comments are not moderated. The modmin team actively reads the list. We each spend hours each week reading through the list and commenting, liking and when necessary moderating the comments. This is where we have come into some difficulty. Some people get very upset when a comment is removed. Every comment that is removed is reviewed by the modmin team (there are about 15 of us to allow each of us to take time off when necessary). We hash out the rationale for removing a post, we discuss is and we compare our thoughts on each issue. Most recently we removed comments that included graphic images and we took a fair amount of backtalk from two now former members. With one of those members, the discussion became quite unpleasant.

The rules we have are set out to help us to keep everyone safe. But there is an important thing to understand about the rules. They are not intended to be democratic. The rules are the rules. They are intended to keep everyone safe. If the rules don’t work for you, that is okay; then this group is not the right place for you, and that is okay too. Anyone is welcome to do exactly as I did; go to your main Facebook page and start a group. Invite your friends. Get them to invite their friends. If there is a need for grief support and you wish to give that to thousands of people, please go ahead and do that, with or without rules. Although this group is not a democracy, is it also not a dictatorship. People don’t have to join, and if it isn’t working for you, then please g go out and find somewhere or make somewhere that WILL work for you.

The rules have been very stable now for over a year, and they work well to keep everyone safe. They make sure that we can all help one another. If you feel that you need to look at graphic images in some form of exposure therapy, please find a qualified professional to help you do that. Good exposure therapy doesn’t happen by accident! It doesn’t happen by being ambushed by images on Facebook; it happens in a careful, thoughtful, directed way. Ambushing someone with graphic images is not exposure therapy as was suggested by one of the two members we removed; that is just unkind and goes against everything we stand for on Losing Lulu.

If you have difficulty with one of our rules, please reach out. I am happy to discuss the issue. If your points support a change with the goal of making Lulu a kinder place, then I will take your thoughts to the modmin team. We will hash them out for a week (or sometimes more) and then we will decide. We listen carefully to the group, but we don’t promise to change. This is a group that met some very particular needs, all founded upon the goal of keeping it kind, and the modmin team will protect that goal in a compassionate and active way.

Today's image is of the train station in White River, where Winnie the Pooh origniated. Winnie the Pooh was a bear cub sold to a soldier from Winnipeg who was on his way to England during the First World War. She was named for the soldier's hometown of Winnipeg. She was a highly unusual bear in that she was very docile and tame. She eventually ended up in the London zoo, where A.A. Milne visited her in the company of his young son, Christopher Robin. A.A. Milne morphed her into the beloved male bear we know and love. I chose this image because there is likely no characgter kinder than Winnie the Pooh of Pooh Bear as we also know him.