Read Kindly. Write Kindly. - A Hippo Essay

By Sue Alexander

December 6, 2020

Once in a while I tour through Losing Lulu and take note of how things are running. Is everyone doing okay? Are we being kind enough? Does everyone have a good feel for the culture here? Do people need some support to get it right? Is it time for another hippo essay? Mostly the answers are in line with what I hope. Everyone is doing as well as possible under the circumstances. Most people are being extra kind. Mostly the culture is ticking along and doing what it ought to. Most people are getting it right and the modmin team is helping those who need. And most of the time we don't need another hippo essay. This week though, we have had a string of posts and responses that prompt me to reach out with a (hopefully!) short hippo essay.

I need to remind everyone that Losing Lulu is intended to support people who are grieving the loss of an animal friend due to a behaviour problem. Losing an animal to a behaviour problem is a unique sort of a loss. Different from other causes of death, behaviour is often seen as the responsibility of the owner. When your dog is timid, the answer is usually to take the dog to training, to work with him and then to come out with a confident dog, and often when this happens, people will point to the guardian and say "she really helped that dog to come out of his shell!" When a dog is profoundly fearful and anxious and we cannot help that dog, and we release him from his fear and anxiety by euthanizing him, we are going to have friends and family members and sometimes even professionals judge us and often say cruel and unkind things. This is not the outcome that happens when we euthanize a dog due to a physical illness.

Because euthanizing animals is different, we have a lot of members who are here as professionals who are learning about the impact that this event may have on their clients. If you are one of these people, please note that we need you to be supportive. We are not your research project! There is a research project occurring on Losing Lulu; the incredible Miranda K Workman is studying the cases posted in Losing Lulu during our first 6 months as part of her PhD. When her project is finished, she will share the information she has learned from that. Although we don't have a rule about it, we don't post research questions and we remind you that using a private group to gather data is unethical unless you go through the process of informing people that you are doing so. Yes, you can see trends here (most animals who have died ARE dogs, most ARE young, most ARE male) but please understand that seeing a trend and conducting a study are two different things, and also collecting data without consent is unethical. If you are here as a professional, please learn through your experiences and wait for the study to come out but please don't collect data from our members.

I want to remind people to read kindly and to write kindly. I am noticing a trend lately towards comments that are a bit outraged instead of supportive. We are "aggressively" supportive here. I say that somewhat tongue in cheek but the modmin team does our level best to remove any comment that is at all blamey, shamey, outrages, angsty, or otherwise insensitive. By insensitive, I want to remind people that when you have a breed that is similar to the animal who passed, posting that your animal is struggling but not dead is going to be really hard for the original poster to read. Reread before you hit enter and say to yourself "will this help the original poster to feel better"? If the answer is no, then please use your delete key and try a second time.

Losing Lulu is special. We care. We don't rant. We help. We don't share the posts outside of the group. We support. We are unique in our ability to figure out what one another needs. Mostly Luluers are wonderful people. You are all so helpful to one another, and you care passionately about each other. I have been changed by my time on Losing Lulu, for the better. Thank you for being here and for helping me to make it through.

Today's image is of a float plane landing on a lake I was paddling in. Float planes are the way that the rest of the world can get in and help people when we are off the grid. My dad flew planes like this in the 50s, and they have always for me represented a type of support that I think we give one another. There is a magic about someone on the other side of the keyboard, flying in, saying something appropriate, and just at the right moment being there for a stranger who needs a hand.