For Me - A Hippo Essay
By Sue Alexander
September 28, 2021
3000. That is an awfully big number! When I started this group last January, I never expected how much it would change my life, the lives of my friends and touch so many people all over the world. I am simply amazed. Thank you to every one of you who came here, either because you needed some help, or because you are a member of a profession touched by behavioural euthanasia, or because you are genuinely concerned for a friend or family member who has been directly touched by behavioural euthanasia. Each and every one of you has contributed in some way to making Losing Lulu what it is today. On the occasion of our 3000-a-versary, I want to talk a little bit about inclusion, language and the culture of this special place.
I grew up in a family that was very active in Scouting and Guiding in Canada in the 70s. My parents volunteered with Scouts Canada (called the Boy Scouts of Canada then because it was not completely co ed at the time) and my sisters and I were Brownies, Guides and later Pathfinders. I remember my mother often saying “Scouting is for everyone, but not everyone is for Scouting”. I remember wondering what she meant by that, but over the years, it became clear to me and it is a philosophy that I have tried to include when thinking about who we are. So just who are we?
Well we are a very broad group of people. We have men and women, and younger people and older (although for the most part, we are mostly adults!). We are people of all ethnicities and nationalities. We are professional people, and labourers and students and technicians. We are members of unions. Some of us go to church. Or temple. Or we worship outdoors. Some of us don’t worship at all, and some of us are atheists. We are vegetarians and vegans and hunters and farmers and fishermen. We have elite athletes and we have disabled people and cooks and teachers and writers and readers and weekend warriors and people with cancer and doctors and lawyers, and at least one firefighter. Pretty much any way you can define a person, you will find one of “those people” in our group. You are all welcome.
To make sure that everyone continues to feel welcome, we need to be careful about how we talk about one another and for the very most part, we have been very successful. Mostly people are careful, but once in a while “common” language slips us up. Once in a while someone will refer to an animal who had a behaviour problem with words that some of us are uncomfortable with. Many of the terms that cause problems are either related to a disability or to a job or circumstance. Let’s talk about the jobs and circumstances first because they are easier to deal with and honestly less commonly a problem. Words like assassin, terminator, sniper, enforcer, and prizefighter are tough for some. Especially any term related to military work can be hard for our veterans to read when the animal being talked about ends up dying because of his behaviour. I know many veterans from many nations and I don’t know any one who feels good in the event that they have had to see active combat. It is disrespectful to use their service to describe the behaviour of the animals we love who are so troubled. Criminal words such as murderer, thug, punk, delinquent and vigilante can also be loaded. Some of our members have been victims of crimes and some of our members have committed crimes and paid their dues to society. None of these people need to reload their trauma on top of the trauma they are already going through due to losing an animal due to a behavioural euthanasia. The culture we have created here means that even if these are words we might think about our special hippos* or Lulus, we should respect one another enough to be careful about how we express that on list. #keepitkind is the reminder that even if we don’t understand or agree with the person who might feel slighted, we respect one another enough, we love one another enough, that we don’t use words in such a way that might cause someone else harm.
We also have parents who have lost children prematurely; not in the sense of a premature pregnancy, but in the sense of having lost a child before their own death. Comparing the lost of an animal to behavioural euthanasia to the loss of a beloved child has been hard for some of our members. For this reason, if you feel that having lost your hippo to a behaviour problem is comparable to having lost a child, we ask that you add in a few words to help those who have lost children to understand that you are trying to express the depth of your grief. It is really easy. Instead of saying “losing Lulu was like losing a child” we ask that you say “FOR ME, losing Lulu was like losing a child”. This does two things. First and perhaps most personally important, it acknowledges the depth of your own grief. It shows us how much this has impacted you. And second, it shows respect to those who have lost a child that you know that for them, the loss of their hippo may not have come anywhere near the amount of pain and loss that they experienced when they lost their child. Remember, #keepitkind is central to how we make sure that everyone is included, including families who are grieving the loss of a child.
Perhaps more difficult than the “jobs” category or the “circumstance” category is the “disability” category. We walk a fine line here. As someone who has worked as a Certified Dog Behaviour Consultant for coming close to thirty years, we have been noticing the similarities to human medical conditions for many years. I remember sitting in a lecture at a seminar where Dr. Karen Overall talked about the analogies between dog behaviour problems and human mental illnesses. We now talk for instance about Canine Compulsive Disorder, and those of us in the field understand that this is the canine version of the human condition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We know that animals quite likely have disorders analogous to bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and autism, HOWEVER, we do not yet have the ability to accurately diagnose these conditions in animals, and at the moment, it would be considered improper (at least here in Canada where I am!) for a behaviour professional to give a diagnosis such as this. For those reasons alone, it is insensitive to label a hippo as having a specific mental illness. We do sometimes see animals diagnosed with PTSD, traumatic brain injury, phobias and anxiety, in part because there are physical signs of these disorders that we can point to and say “this is what we think is going on”, and we know that seizures can also sometimes cause behaviour problems, and if a veterinarian has actually diagnosed something such as this, including that information when talking about a hippo is quite appropriate. What is not appropriate is to presume a diagnosis, or to characterize a hippo as having a mental illness. Mental illness is perhaps the most difficult of disabilities to live with because of the stigma, and perpetuating the stigma by characterizing a hippo’s behaviour as being such a diagnosis further drives those of us who live with mental illness away from instead of into the group. This issue is near and dear to me as someone who has lived most of my adult life with mental health issues and who was partnered with a psychiatric service dog, and who has been very active in advocacy for inclusion in society for those of us living with mental health issues. #keepitkind and remember that using mental illness labels inaccurately may socially isolate someone who is already suffering and that will neither alleviate your own grief nor make their day any easier.
At the risk of channelling my inner Monty Python, beyond taking care to include the variety of jobs, circumstances, grief profiles, and disabilities, who else do we need to include? I think it bears stating that hippos can be any animal, bears included! If an animal is in your care, and you had to euthanize it due to a behaviour problem you are welcome here. So far we have had bunnies, cats, dogs, horses and snakes. I know that there are a few people who have lost rats to behaviour problems but I haven’t seen any posts on that yet. If you have a parrot, a guinea pig, a pot bellied pig, an iguana or a goat who has died due to a behaviour problem, please know that you are welcome. I don’t want to live with a parrot, but I know that for those of you who DO live with parrots, the loss of one to a behaviour problem is devastating and often poorly understood by your friends and family. The same is true for those of you who share your lives with Aardvarks, Kangaroos, Tapirs and Zebra! Never the less, it is worth mentioning that the vast majority of hippos here are in fact dogs. That is okay too. If you lost an animal to a behaviour problem you are welcome. I do want to specify mind you that when I say lost I mean that your hippo died. I don’t mean that you sent your hippo to live on a farm or surrendered it to rescue. For us, that is a different kind of loss. You are still welcome here, even if you lost your hippo to some other end other than death, but we are “sitting in the U bend, thinking about death” to quote Moaning Myrtle of Harry Potter fame. That is our “Prime Directive” here, and likely this paragraph has more popular references than I have ever used in one essay ever before. I think in the interest of “keepingitkind I should stop!
You may be wondering now if there is anyone who is not welcome. Well I am so glad you asked. To begin with, anyone who does not read and follow the rules, is not welcome. We will be updating the rules in the coming week or so, and adding one new rule regarding language (which is in part why I am writing this hippo essay!). We don’t use the word “kill” to refer to the euthanasia of a hippo. Our hippos may have killed a tourist in a glass bottomed boat (if this sound horrendous, it is, and to find out what I am referring to, go back and read past hippo essays and learn more about our culture!), and it is fine to say that, but to say that you then killed your hippo when you mean that your hippo was euthanized, is disrespectful to many of us, and it is profoundly unkind to your veterinarian! Your vet did not go to school for years on end to kill animals; he or she did however learn to alleviate suffering through administration of euthanasia. #keepitkind , especially towards our veterinary colleagues. This can be tricky for a few of us who live really remotely. We have had a couple of situations where the only option for euthanizing an animal with a behaviour problem was to shoot the animal, and in that case we really struggled with how to discuss what had happened. As a hunter, I am really clear that when I shoot an animal, I am killing it, but I kill my food; I don’t generally kill an animal with a behaviour problem. In the end, the modmin team decided that even in that circumstance, we prefer the term euthanasia, even though it is a tricky situation, so please don’t use the term kill when referring to the death of a beloved hippo. We have a few other instances of language that will get you banned here, but if you use your good common sense, keep it family friendly and think about reading kindly and writing kindly you will find that you will be more than welcome here. Like my mother said though, we aren't for everyone. If you find it too difficult to be here, or if our culture just isn't your thing, don't feel badly about leaving. There will be a seat at our table in the event that you ever feel like the fit is right, because Losing Lulu is for everyone, even if everyone isn't right for Losing Lulu.
Finally, welcome to those of you who have landed here in the past few weeks! It has been an honour to have been a part of this community right from the beginning. I look forward to getting to know you. The final thing I will tell you about the culture here before I go is that you can identify the hippo essays because they have landscapes, seascapes, skyscapes and other pictures of our wonderful natural world (and yes, sometimes even cityscapes because that is the natural habitat of humans!). We don’t typically include images of animals in these because for the most part the images are there to get your attention that THIS is different. This is a hippo essay. Today’s image is from my 2019 adventure in Northern Ontario; I watched these butterflies puddling on a beach on the shore of Lake Superior. Butterflies congregate and puddle like this during breeding season and they consume minerals in wet rocks or sand to help them produce enough sperm to reproduce. Reproduction seemed like a good theme for today’s essay given how large we have become!
*hippo is a generic term we often use to describe an animal who has been euthanized due to a behaviour problem. We sometimes say Lulu too, but given that we have had a number of Lulus who have died due to behaviour problems including the dog for whom the group is named, that can get confusing. If you want to know all about hippos and why I chose hippo, you can read the rest of the “hippo” essays in the welcome and culture section at the top of the group. In fact, if you don’t know why, please do!